Sweet Miracles

I have been meeting interesting pple these days thanks to the homeopath friend i met through hypnotherapy class. One of them is a lady whom i chatted with for over an hour yesterday. She’s a really fascinating woman, and she shared with me about her work, the challenges she has faced in her life, the people she encountered as clients and in workshops. It was very nice to listen to her cos she was so open and warm and humourous, so i just listened, without any expectations or pressure to respond. Maybe it’s cos i was so engaged in her sharing, that she shared so much too… who knows.

Anyway, she’s into the healing field as well, and does workshops to help people find themselves and their life purpose. She’s such a sincere and inspiring speaker that i can see myself joining her workshop one day when the conditions are right. We came to talk about my issue of abundance, or rather, scarcity, and she asked me a few questions which i couldn’t really come up with any reply for.

We were not having a coaching session, but i sensed that she wanted to help me (and indeed, later she told me she was). We didn’t get anywhere, except for some new-agey intellectual kinda advice, which wasn’t a problem with me cos as i said, it wasn’t a coaching session and i was just enjoying her personal sharing.

Eventually, i asked her to send me info about her workshop and wrote down my email for her. When she saw my email, she did a double take and asked me how come my email id is fuzzylena. I laughed cos i knew where she was coming from, and i told her i just had this from a very young age and i’m not even sure why i chose this name. She asked me if i knew that fuzzy doesn’t have very postive connotations. Again, i laughed, even though she was being serious.

She was like, no wonder i feel that during all this, you are here but not here. I was both bemused and curious at the same time. Yes, i believed in numerology and importance of your name and all, but i never thought that an email would have any significance on the person. At the same time, there was a part of me that was slapping her head and saying, geez…i shld have known better. After all, with the advent of Internet, email id has become almost as impt as your personal name, and reflects your identity just as much as your real name. So all this while, i have been portraying myself as a fuzzy person… whatever that is!

I guess after the hilarity of this discovery (she felt that THIS was the breakthrough she was hoping me to get), i am rather stunned. In fact, i was quite speechless and didn’t know what to say. Suddenly, all the pieces of my life came together. Ok… at least all the FUZZY pieces. These were the scenes that flashed through my mind. The times when i was seemingly multi-tasking and doing 5 things at one time, in a totally haphazard manner, until i would forget what it is i was supposed to do next, and before i even get there, i get distracted and do something else instead. This happens most when i’m doing office admin and when i’m in the kitchen (which explains why i’m not very gd in office admin, and the kitchen often looks like a mess). There are also those other times when my mind goes blank in a social situation, not cos of anxiety, but simply cos i either didn’t know what was going on, or i don’t know what to think, OR i don’t know how to put my thoughts into words.

Who knows if it’s all because my email id is fuzzylena! But i have this feeling that there is some kind of link, and it’s all thanks to my choice in this cute-sounding (at least to a 9 yr old me!) name that has apparently made me identify with the fuzzy part of me, and portray myself as a fuzzy person. She said different pple prob have different interpretations of fuzzy (really?), so everyone prob sees me according to their own interpretation as to what fuzzy means.

What DOES fuzzy mean anyway? Oh yeah… now i rem, i prob thought the word was cute because it reminded me of those fuzzy-wuzzy hairy ball thingy that used to be quite popular years ago. I also knew there was the term fuzzy logic, which i didn’t quite get at that time, and still don’t get till today. Guess fuzzy also connotes unclear, distorted, blur? Geez… now why didn’t i use some other email name, like queenlena, or lovegoddess…

Well, now i have at least one reason that explains why part of my life and my actions are fuzzed-up, guess i need to undo the fuzz. And i was groaning in front of her, about all the internet admin i would have to do. She assured me that this shouldn’t be a reason to get stressed, and i prob just need to do it step by step which is true.

The other question is, if not fuzzylena, then what? She said if i just take some time to meditate on it, i will think of something. Hmm… guess i’ll send out a call to the universe for some divine inspiration for a new email id.

Health is another thing that i’m going to manifest for. While i’m the healthiest one in the family right now (both little boy and Mr Gua Gua down with cough, the latter in a pretty bad state), i don’t feel that great either. My energy level is at an all-time low, despite 8-10 hours of sleep every night, and my pale complexion with dark eyebags are staring back at me with a frown everytime i look in a mirror. Wonder if i should see a doc or something… hmm, maybe will try EFT first and see how it goes.

Career-wise, things continue to look interesting. My colleague is helping me to advocate for acceptance of EFT, and the ED seems to be considering it. Though frankly, i’m not sure if i care anymore. I believe in synergy of working in groups, yet, organisations have their disadvantages, with everyone having their own views, and politicking. Will just keep an open mind and see where the universe takes me to!

“Listening is an art not easily come by, but in it there is beauty and great understanding. We listen with the various depths of our being, but our listening is always with a preconception or from a particular point of view.

We do not listen simply; there is always the intervening screen of our own thoughts, conclusions, and prejudices. To listen there must be an inward quietness, a freedom from the strain of acquiring, a relaxed attention.

This alert yet passive state is able to hear what is beyond the verbal conclusion. Words confuse; they are only the outward means of communication; but to commune beyond the noise of words, there must be in listening, an alert passivity.

Those who love may listen, but it is extremely rare to find a listener. Most of us are after results, achieving goals; we are forever overcoming and conquering, and so there is no listening. It is only in listening that one hears the song of the words.     

~Jiddu Krishnamurti

Dear little boy,

The purity and goodness of your heart amazes me.

The other day, on the way to school, we were at the bus stop and the bus was in sight. You had your school bag on, I had my bag on as well and carrying the stroller in one hand. I got you in my arm and you struggled to get down. I have learnt a long time ago that it is a lot wiser not to fight with you over such things so i placed you back on the ground. Then you said, Mummy bag heavy. Aww… it sounds like that was your reason for wanting to go up the bus yourself. Even though it only happened that one day, Mummy was really touched anyway.

The flu bug has been travelling around and it has decided to visit Papa as well. The other morning, I told you Papa is sick. You echoed in your innocent cutesy way, Papa sick? Yeah, Papa sick, I confirmed. You went to the table and took a bottle of medicine. Well, it wasn’t Papa’s medicine, but you didn’t know that of cos, and you took it to Papa who thought i taught you to do that. When I told him you did it on your own, he was pleasantly surprised and touched as well.

Your kindness was shown yet again when you were out with Mak Mak, Ye Ye and Gu Jie yesterday. Mummy was at work, and Papa was resting at home. You were having fun and didn’t want to come home, but when Gu Jie told you that Papa and Mummy are hungry and they are waiting for you guys to bring dinner back home for us, you obligingly agreed to go home.

In fact, you have started becoming nicer to your soft toy gang as well. In the past you used to bully all of them with punches, throwing around, squashing them by sitting on them, and they would all cry and complain bitterly to Papa and Mummy about how mean you are to them. Ever since Disneyland, you have started treating them quite well, especially Pooga Bear who was the only privileged one to go on the trip with us. Now you hug him all the time, and even give him piggy backs, albeit the fact that he ends up hanging on your back upside down (i’m sure he enjoys the rides anyway!).

Well, but you still tease Pooga Bear. One time, you decided to turn him into a ear-less bear by pulling his ears back with one hand. You got quite a gd laugh out of that, and happily showed off ear-less Pooga to us. Papa remarked, Scary Pooga Bear, and oh yeah, he did look kinda scary that he made me shriek a little. You just continued pulling his ears back, pushing him into our faces, proudly announcing, Scary Pooga! Haha… i must say, these days it’s really fun to play with you cos you catch on so quickly.

Even if your language skills aren’t as good as some toddlers your age, I have no doubt about your understanding ability. When i talk to you, I have a feeling that you understand every word i say. You listen so intently with such intelligent eyes, and when i ask you, do you understand, you say yes, and i fully believe that’s true! So nowadays, i no longer blabber meaningless stuff or ask you stupid questions. I do talk to you almost like to a normal adult, and it’s such a joy when we are having actual conversations such as the following.

When watching Doraemon, there was a scene of a man with a kid he has kidnapped….

You: Bad man.
Mummy: You mean this is a bad man?
You: YES!
Mummy: How do you know he is a bad man?
You: *no reply*
Mummy: Is it because he has hair on his face?
You: Yessss
Mummy: But Papa has hair on his face too (at least in the morning before shaving!). Is Papa a bad man?
You: Nooo
Mummy: So how come this is a bad man?
You: *no reply*
Mummy: Or is it because he is wearing sunglasses?
You: Yessss
Mummy: Ian also has sunglasses. Are you a bad man?
You: Nooo

Papa was chuckling when he heard this conversation, and even though you were just saying mostly yes and no, at least they were the right answers!

Back to your goodness. Mummy spilled something on the floor, and in her usual melodramatic way, she shrieked. You immediately asked, what happen? What happen? in such a concerned manner. I explained the situation to you and you quickly said, Ian clean! Well, i really appreciated the offer. In fact, it’s usually the other way round - you spilled something and i’m the one doing the cleaning (and sometimes i wld be wondering if i will have to clean up after you for the rest of your life!). Nevertheless, i preferred to do the job myself, so i asked you to continue watching tv.

Who knows, you insisted doing the cleaning, so i quickly did the first wipe, and you were hot on my heels, wanting to clean. I rinsed the cloth, and while i was doing that, you actually sayanged my legs, as if to console me about the spillage. When i gave the cloth to you, you went to the area which is already clean, and asked where? I pointed it to you and i think you did some cleaning, which i’m not sure. Then you left the cloth there…. :/ Ah well, little boys are not known for their attention span, so i’ll forgive you for that, and the fact that you wanted to help and even consoled me was already very reassuring for me…. at least I feel that all the love and attention we shower on you are in fact nurturing the goodness in your heart, and it is already starting to blossom.

Dear little boy, i don’t know how come you have suddenly turned into such a gd boy recently. You have always been quite a gd boy but these days, there seems to be nothing to complain abt u! Maybe it’s the Disney trip, maybe Papa has been spending more time with you, maybe… well, who really knows. Whatever it is, it’s a delight to be around you because you are so endearing and humourous, often making us laugh both on purpose and just by being yourself. You have also been singing a lot of songs that you have learnt from childcare, together with the finger movements. While i cannot make out the words, it’s really cute to hear you sing! Unfortunately when you sing, the camera/hp is not ard, and when the camera/hp is ard, you don’t sing. Still, i hope to catch you on audio/video one of these days, so more pple can enjoy your little music performances!

Thank you for being the pure and sweet soul that you are… may you continue to blossom and touch the hearts of pple whereever you go!

Lucky to be your mummy,

Mummy