Sweet Miracles

I have been wanting to blog about my most recent counselling case but didn’t get the chance to. Actually these kinds of things shld be kept confidential, though i think as long as i don’t reveal any personal info that would allow anyone to be able to identify my clients, i wldn’t be breaching it. This case was my most challenging so far. Firstly, it’s a marital case and i’ll be seeing the couple which is always more “interesting” and definitely a lot more dynamic than seeing just an individual. Secondly, i only have 3 sessions within a week with them due to their tight scheduling. Thirdly, the marriage is on the brink of divorce, and although my supervisor advised that i shldn’t allow myself to think that the fate of their marriage rests on my hands, it’s still a bit overwhelming to know that any insensitive, unthoughtful word from me might indirectly lead to them choosing to divorce. Whew!

Well, there were positives as well. The couple were highly educated, very motivated to come for counselling to save their marriage, and also very open. I also got to exchange a few emails them beforehand so i can get more info first, and this allowed me to get a “crash course” in marital counselling from my supervisors. Wonder what the couple wld have said if they had known that they were coming to a greenhorn!

The other good thing was that we first corresponded abt 2 weeks before the actual sessions, and i met my supervisors 1 week before. They recommended me a book Divorce busting, which i spent the entire following week burying my head in. Thank goodness it was a rather fascinating and well written book, full of creative ideas and suggestions. Who knows, it might even come in useful for my personal life one day. Mr Gua Gua was asking me rather suspiciously and also in a dismayed manner, why i was reading this book. I told him for work, and added, for personal as well (just to provoke him!). He was like, WHAT? And my matter-of-fact reply was, it’s only right that everyone (married persons that is) shld be reading such self-help books for themselves, including him! And Mr Gua Gua was like, oh…. 

I was really nervous before the first session and prayed to Green Tara for help. I was actually quite satisfied with the way i handled the first session, cos i managed to gain pretty gd rapport with them, especially the guy, and didn’t run too far ahead of time, so i was disappointed when i saw my feedback forms. The guy gave all 4s (4 is good, 5 is very good), which to me means nothing, cos that’s just the response of an obliging but unthoughtful client. The lady on the other hand, who is the one dissatisfied with the marriage, gave me abt the same no. of 4s and 3s (neutral), and one of the 3s, was on her level of comfort with the counsellor’s approach. Awww….

Well i did a lot of self-assessment of the case in between the first and 2nd session, which i gotta admit is not part of my usual routine. Just that the challenge and stress of this case plus the mediocre feedback really upped my motivation level to do really well. Consider it at 20% professionalism, 20% wanting to serve, and 60% my ego!! And this time, i made sure i wore the “ren yuan” amulet Mr Gua Gua gave, to increase my affinity with my clients and communication skills. So far it seems like my sessions usually go quite well whenever i wore the amulet, but it made my ego feel better to think the amulet had nothing to do with it (or maybe only a teeny weeny!), sometimes i purposely choose not to wear it so i know it’s me who’s doing well, and not cos of the amulet.

But i didn’t want to leave anything to chance for this couple, so i made sure i wore it. And this time round, i tried to give the lady more time to speak than the previous session, which made sense since she’s the dissatisfied one. It got rather heated and emotional halfway during the session, but thank gawd, i managed to grab onto one of seemingly more significant problems in the relationship, which was the lack of quality time the couple spent with each other due to the guy’s work, and from there on, it all went smoothly and i got them to agree on a plan to spend more time with each other.

Again, the guy’s feedback was all 4s. The lady’s, slightly better. I got 1 more 4, but the 3s was a bit different. This time, the lady gave me 4 for approach, and 3 for feeling that she was being helped (she gave 4 previously). Darn…

I was lucky that my supervisor was really concerned abt this case, given the challenge, time constraint and my inexperience so she squeezed in half an hour for a quick consultation with me. One interesting thing that came up was my sharing about not really being able to empathise much with the lady. We actually share the same birthdate, so she’s a Virgo too, and i actually share some of the same complaints she has, such as with regards to housekeeping. Virgos are generally perfectionists and cleanliness freaks, so put them in the same house with guys who are more on the sloppy side, beware of war! So it’s ironic that i feel more sympathetic with the guy than the lady. Perhaps i don’t like the naggy, discontented, demanding side of me, and i see myself in her, that’s why. I think one useful tip i got from the quick consultation was to make it my goal, for my professional devt, to focus on developing more rapport with the lady in the 3rd session.

That’s what i did! In fact i spent most of the session, a gd hour plus, with just the lady. I revealed to her that we had the same birthdate and i was also just married. After that, we practically got on like fire. I actually wanted to disclose these personal things in the 2nd session but didn’t cos i was worried that it would only be a distraction and not help the couple in their problems. However from the 3rd session, i realised that appropriate self-disclosure can actually increase the trust the client has in you, as the client realises that you can genuinely see things from their perspective. Secondly, i was also more comfortable with helping the client gain self-awareness by pointing out to her that Virgos can be critical, nitpicking and all that… previously, i wldn’t have done that as i didn’t want the client to feel offended, but since she knows that i’m a Virgo myself, then these are traits that i myself have too.

Perhaps by being so open about the common things we do share, the barrier was lifted and i found myself starting to pay real close attention to what she was saying, instead of dismissing them as rantings of someone who just has too high expectations. Who knows, the previously mediocre feedback could be her sensing that i didn’t really take her seriously. Anyway, I was chatting with her in a more natural way, rather than my usual professional kinda way, and i was actually enjoying it. Come to think of it, in my past experiences of being counselled, i tend to like those whom i could feel genuinely liked me, had a real curiosity about me, and was being their natural self. So this case turned out to be a wonderful lesson for me… to be professional, doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be your true self at the same time!

What made me know for sure that i was on the right track with this couple was at the last part, when i could give both of them very sincere compliments and the atmosphere was lighthearted and positive. And when i saw the feedback forms, i was elated cos the lady gave me 2 5s (including feeling that she has been helped) and 4s for all the rest! Talk about receiving affirmation.

I seriously don’t know how much i really helped this couple, as it was just 3 sessions, and i hope that they will email me as they had promised in a few weeks time to tell me how things have been going. However i do know that handling this case has helped me a lot as a counsellor, and i’m very grateful to them for being my teachers in this sense. Definitely very grateful to my supervisors too, for their generosity in their time and wise teachings. Last but not least, thank you to the universe for providing me with all these conditions to keep on learning and growing, so that i can be a more skilful counsellor. May i continue meeting those that i wld be able to help, as well as those whom i wld be learning much from!

PS: Ooops, Mr Gua Gua wld prob kill me for almost forgetting him. Yes, thank you Mr Gua Gua for your never ending support and of course, your miraculous “ren yuan” amulet which i guess might have helped more than a teeny weeny bit…. just a teeny weeny more…