Sweet Miracles

I came across this in the latest issue of Lapis Lazuli and the first thing i thought of was to find time to blog it down, even though the suggestion was to do it in a private journal. I’m mostly a private person on surface but i think i’m really some kind of exhibitionist. In other words, i don’t share my thoughts and feelings with most pple in my life, but i’m quite comfortable and happy to blog about most of my innermost thoughts and feelings on the world wide web, with the knowledge that friends and strangers are reading. Why? Well, perhaps, as i said, i really am some kind of exhibitionist. Second, it makes me feel understood – blogging is my way of expressing myself to others, since i’m not very good with verbalising my thoughts. Third, i guess i hope that some of my entries will inspire some of the readers, cos they come straight from the heart. And i’m more or less quite certain that people will not respond to my entries in a negative way… cos i believe the universe will ensure tt pple are attracted to my blog for positive reasons. Just based on faith, nothing else.

Anywayz, i’m learning to be more attuned to my intuition, and i feel quite strongly about doing this exercise on my blog, so here goes.

How old are you? What do you look like? How do you feel about your body?

I’m 25 this year. Keep forgetting my age, and need to calculate the difference btw current year and birth year. Somehow i keep thinking i’m 24… resistance against being labelled as “auntie”? Hehe… yet another part of me also wish that i can be older, and also feels older, cos i have been through plenty of life experiences that my peers haven’t had. Hence, i also can’t connect with most peers same age as i am. I have a colleague who’s one year my senior, and neither of us feel it, cos she’s still into pop idols and stuff, while i’m already a mother of a toddler! Guess age is just a number… even if it’s one that pple give a lot of significance to.

What do i look like? Was almost going to answer it as WHO do i look like, in which case, i have been told by a few pple, including Mr Gua Gua, Guo1 Ke3 Yi2 (some Hongkong actress). But what? I have been told like i look like a Thai Buddha, esp when i am in lotus position. Many pple also call me mummy, long before i was a real mother, so perhaps i look like a mother too. Oh yeah, Mr Gua Gua also thinks i look like a principal… not a very flattering comparison.

How i feel about my body. I like it mostly, except for the tummy area. If i can squeeze out all the fats, i think i’ll be happy.

Where do you live? Who do you live with?

I live at the foot of Mt Faber, in a rented place cos we are waiting for Pinnacle, which is sup to be ready next year. This is our 3rd place since marriage and despite the cramped space, i love the fact that it’s so close to nature. I love looking out from our bedroom and kitchen to see an entire wall of green. Hence my side of the bed which faces the window is also a great place for meditation. And i’m also happy that i live with 2 of my favourite pple in the world, Mr Gua Gua and little boy.

What is happening in your life right now?

Lots!!! And it’s all good stuff. I recently introduced my president to EFT and told her abt my aspirations to spread EFT with the help of SY, and she’s quite supportive about it. I gave her a demo of cos, and i surprised myself by intuitively guessing that the stiffness in her neck cld be a message indicating she’s too focused on what’s ahead of her, and not really noticing what’s going on around her. It was right after the words came out of my mouth (and i dunno where they came from), tt i immediately felt it’s accurate, cos of the way she manages SY, though i dunno if she was able to see that. Oh well, if only i was that intuitive with ALL my clients.

Another thing is my hypnotherapy course. Today we just started the 7th Path Hypnosis which is actually a kind of self-healing, where we are given affirmations (recognitons) to empty our “cup” of negative beliefs, thoughts and emotions, and then fill it up with positive ones, so it’s a kind of emotional detoxification. We did the 1st 2 recognitions today and one of the imagery i got from the meditation was the picture of a dolphin leaping out from the water. My teacher said it’s a good sign, as dolphins represents going back to the life source. Somehow i believe this 7th Path Hypnosis is going to help me work on a lot of my issues, and i’m looking forward to receiving the remaining recognitions.

Another thing that’s happening in my life is being introduced to Quantum Pendant, which is this amazing energy product made of volcanic soil, and seems to have almost miraculous effects on the wearer’s health. I first knew abt it from my hypnotherapy teacher who bought it and gave us a demonstration in class on how it works, using flexibility, balance and strength tests, and i got a first hand experience of the difference with and without wearing the pendant. I wanted to know more abt it but she didn’t have info abt it so i was a little disappointed. Just as “coincidence” would have it, i received an email from another acquaintence abt a preview talk on this Quantum Pendant held yesterday. I reached the place 45 min late, and amazingly, didn’t miss the highlights (on the way, i manifested that i will still reach in time to hear the impt bits, and i did!). Now i’m so convinced by the product that i’m going to start selling it as well, cos the business bit seems lucrative too. I’m soooo excited by the prospects! Mr Gua Gua told me this evening that he’s actually happy for me regarding my plans with QP, cos he has this sense that i’ll feel very happy doing this as a business, not cos i’ll be making big money, but cos i’ll also be helping pple as a result.

In addition, i have resumed my meditation routine, thanks to the quantum hypnotherapy course which really reinspired and reminded me about my Buddhist faith. The 100 million mani retreat is coming up in about 5 weeks time, and also early Dec, Mr Gua Gua and i will be going for a past life regression workshop which is sup to be experiential and i read relly gd testimonials from previous participants. It feels like things are moving very quickly for me these days, as if the universe, too, wants me to clear myself as much and as quickly as possible during the rest of this year, so that i’ll be ready for my spiritual work next year. And what makes it even better, is that Mr Gua Gua seems to be slowly getting back on track with his spiritual journey too, which definitely makes me very happy indeed!

How do you spend most of your time?

At work and on the bed, either nursing little boy, rolling ard with him or having fallen asleep while nursing him. The latter often happens after i just took my dinner, which means all the carbo go straight to my tummy… I definitely don’t spend enough time really playing with little boy, due to work and now the hypnotherapy course, so i’m glad that there is still nursing time for us to have some mummy-little boy bonding time. Rest of the time is mainly on self-devt and recreational – in terms of attending course, reading, and of cos, email and blogging. I’m blessed that i don’t need to spend tt much time on chores, thanks to the help of my mum and MIL.

What are your predominant feelings? Fears? Sadness? Anger? Worries? Happiness?

I guess it’s mostly worries and happiness. Worries about not spending enough time with little boy, not finding a good enough childcare centre for him, spending my money too quickly (my pay raise already seems insufficient… oops!), blah blah blah… But of cos, i’m happy when i’m with little boy and Mr Gua Gua (at least when he’s not trying to provoke me with his nonsense).  I’m also happy when i think of all the gd things to look forward to, the gd things that i’m already doing, and the gd things that i have.

What are your joys and pleasures? What do you take delight in?

Watching little boy, playing with him, hearing him sing and give his “speeches” (which he does with plenty of gusto and gestures that really tickles my funny bone). Sharing my dreams with Mr Gua Gua. Connecting with colleagues. Cooking nutritious meals for little boy. Reading inspirational books and email. Forwarding inspirational email to my mailing lists. Scrapbooking (which i really do not have time for these days). Attending courses to develop my helping skills and advance my spiritual growth. Meditation. The 10-min exercise routine with Mr Gua Gua (partly cos i love the exercises, partly cos i love to see Mr Gua Gua groan and moan). Good food. Watching Sesame Street (think i’m a bigger fan of it than little boy, who seems to prefer Blue’s Clues). Watching cute children.

It’s interesting that counselling doesn’t come into the picture here. Even when i feel like i have done a gd job with clients (which is not always), i don’t feel all that happy. Maybe i always feel like i cld have done better. Or maybe cos it’s like something that i have to do, cos it’s a mission i have committed to fulfilling when i chose to enter this lifetime. It feels like i have this almost grim determination that i have to do it… wonder if it’s the wrong attitude, or if this is the way it is.

What are your relationships like with your family and friends?

I’m pretty much wrapped in my own world with Mr Gua Gua and little boy. I’m not close with my own family… in fact, my mum chats with Mr Gua Gua much more than she does with me, which i can’t deny makes me a lil jealous. Guess i have this aloof personality that makes it hard for pple to get close to me, and there is also a part of me who doesn’t want to get too close to others, for reasons that i’m not clear about. This can be a problem in my counselling work, cos i have to find a way to connect to my clients. But i guess this is also one of the lessons that i’m perhaps here to learn. I would like to be more connected with pple, and for pple to feel that they want to be close with me, and for me want to be close to them. I have that with some pple, and most of my clients find it easy to talk to me. But it’s almost as if i take on a different personality during counselling, where smiling and sharing feels natural, whereas in my personal life, i’m more withdrawn and formal. If i were to behave towards everyone like the way i do with clients, perhaps i’ll have more friends. But i don’t, and neither do i want to. So there are also conflicts within me, about how much i want to get close to pple. Maybe it’s like that for everyone? I dunno… but i do envy those who are popular and seem to make friends easily whereever they go, and i hope that i’ll be like that eventually, one day, cos life is a lot brighter with friends around.

What would you like to ask forgiveness for? Who do you need to forgive?

This are prob the most difficult questions to answer and i’ll do my best to be honest with myself here. Thank gdness they don’t ask who i need to ask forgiveness from. I wld like to ask forgiveness for my pride, which i know i have too much of. As Mr Gua Gua once told me, pride is my biggest weakness, which doesn’t feel good to hear, but as the saying goes, truth hurts. I wld also like to ask forgiveness for my thoughtlessness, my sharp tongue, and insensitivity. I know tt too often, i place myself and my views ahead of others, intentionally or unintentionally, and pple get hurt as a result.

As it turns out, these qualities kinda run in the family, esp with the females, so i also need to forgive my mum and aunts whose sharp words and insensitivity have also hurt me before in the past. I’m not one who forgives easily, so even though those incidents happened sometime back, i can’t say tt i’m 100% over them. My in laws are also pple i need to forgive, cos they have also hurt me before in the past. Perhaps my own insensitivity attract insensitive pple into my life. Anywayz, at least i have EFT as a tool to help me work on forgiving pple. And i guess, one person i also need to forgive is myself, for the flaws i mentioned above, and my own mistakes made in the past. Otherwise, how to forgive others right? And how to ask clients to forgive? Everything has to begin with me first.

What have been your successes? Which accomplishments would you be most proud?

Surprisingly enough, these are another 2 difficult questions, and the answers i got are also surprising to me. Having stayed in SY for so long, despite the 2 major turnovers and all the chaos – of cos, working part time helped, plus i also needed the job, but i was able to stay out of the politics and stay true to my original intentions of being there. Another is Having done hypnobirthing, which helped me have a smooth and easy delivery of only 4 hours, hence giving little boy a peaceful welcome to this world. Breastfeeding up to now – optimising little boy’s health and ensuring our close relationship, despite my current schedule which takes me out of the house away from little boy a bit too much for my preference, albeit for a gd cause. And i guess another was having chaired CEP 2006, where the process was more precious to me than the outcome, cos i cld see the experience of being in the com helping them to blossom in different ways.

And that’s it. Nothing about grades, completion of project stuff, receiving of awards, getting praise or anything. What really felt like successes or accomplishments to me, was not based on other people’s praise or appreciation at all, but rather, the experiencing of life itself, and how i have grown as a person, or benefitted others in one way or another. And this is how i intend to live out the rest of my life, so that i don’t die, regretting that i have made wrong choices, believing that i needed things that really didn’t make me feel happy and fulfilled.

What have been your failures? What are your deepest heartaches? Your regrets and disappointments?

Not going after my dreams. Not taking enough risks. Hurting pple. Deluding myself into thinking that pple hurt me when i’m really the one hurting myself. Not believing in my own potential.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths – openness to different perspectives, diplomacy (with pple less close to me),  fairness, loyalty, trustworthyness, intelligence, maturity (most of the time), kindness, analytical ability, intuition, belief in pple’s goodness, ability to see the good side of most situations, generosity

Weakness – idealism, impatience, intolerance with pple who have narrow, rigid, negative or pessimistic views, pride, self-consciousness, lack of confidence, nervousness, perfectionism, being critical with myself and close ones, insensitivity, self-absorption, detachment, impulsiveness, need for approval

What lessons have you learned? What lessons have you failed in learning?

Lessons that i know and is always an ongoing process of learning: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. We are our best teachers and worst enemies. The world is nothing but a reflection of our being. In the end, it’s all about love.

What is your relationship to God/Spirit/Religion?

I hope it’s close! I’m more into spirituality than into religion, as i see so many who consider themselves religious, who seem further from enlightenment than nearer, cos of attachments to dogma from their religion, that causes them to see groups of pple as separate, and one group is better than other groups. Spirit is all-encompassing and interconnected. While i still see myself as separate from others, i hope that one day, i will see beyond this separation and experience myself and others as one.

As you reflect on your life, what is most impt to you?

My family. Health. Service to others. Spiritual growth.

What is your gift to your family, your community, this world?

I don’t know if i have the gift yet, or perhaps what i shld say is, this gift is prob innate within me, but it is yet to be fully actualised. What i intend to offer as a gift to my family, my community and this world, is the gift of healing – be it through counselling, energy healing, supporting other healers or just my presence.

If you were to die right now, what would you like to be most remembered for? What final message would you leave for those who would gather to remember you? If you had your life to live all over again, would anything be different?

It’s a gd thing that i still have many years to go as i’m answering this question! Well, i happen to know that i won’t die tmw, and in fact it’s been predicted tt i will live a long life. But anyway, it’s always gd to live everyday as your last rite? Well, i wld be like to be remembered as a being who came from the stars, remembered who she was and brought light into this world, helping others to remember who they are. Those who have read The Little Soul and The Sun will know exactly what i mean. Those of you who haven’t can read it here: http://fuzzynale.wordpress.com/2007/07/11/the-little-soul-and-the-sun/

My final message will be, love, laugh and live! Nothing very original but after all that i’ve written, this seems to be really all there is to it.

If i were to live my life all over again, i wld worry a million times less, doubt myself a trillion time less, and do anything i wish to do, cos life is sup to be one grand adventure to experience just for the sake of experiencing.

A lot of what i have written here surprises myself, and i believe that part of it came from some higher wisdom inside of me, possibly supported by my Green Tara music playing on the computer. This Green Tara music is superb… the other night i was also listening to it, and i was guided to write an email to my president sharing abt EFT and my plans regarding EFT, which was what led to our meeting where she told me she would support me in my plans.

Well, this has been an inspiring entry for me, and i learnt a lot of things abt myself. Maybe you guys can try doing this exercise for yourself too, either thru blogging or private journalling, if you’re not an exhibitionist like me.