Sweet Miracles

This is the first time in a long time that I’m blogging in office.

Today, no clients at all, and feeling particularly low. Perhaps it’s cos i didn’t get much response for my 1st session of Borrowing Benefits planned for this evening. 1 or 2 people (not sure if it’s 1 or 2 cos no caller id) smsed me about it, but so far, no confirmed attendees yet.

It’s no biggie, but i guess this confirms my feeling of lack of focus in recent days. In fact, i shouldn’t be surprised by the weak response as I only sent out the email yesterday. Maybe i was hoping to be surprised by an unexpectedly gd response.

Anyway, i have been busy these days with creating EFT Affirmation Cards, an idea inspired on last Monday. As many pple often ask what to say when tapping on their own, i decided that it would be useful to have a set of cards handy, which can provide some ideas on what to say, and cos it’s random selection of cards, one can also see it as hints from the universe on how to tap on one’s issue.

I was so inspired that my 1st set of cards was created on Tue, just 1 day after i got this idea, and this included printing and self-lamination of the cards.

Strangely though, i’m no longer enthused by the idea and it’s only Day 5. That is the problem. I am doing workshops, creating my own merchandise, getting clients who are coming to me for EFT consultations, and by right, i shld be pretty excited. Yet, i’m not, and this concerns me.

I can’t quite put a finger on it. I know that i was initially down when coming to office when i found out that another colleague got invited to do media interviews. I always had an issue with jealousy and competitiveness, and i tapped myself on this on the spot, after which, i was thinking to myself that i was too lazy to do such stuff anyway – and no, it wasn’t a case of sour grapes, plus i have no feelings of ill will towards that colleague at all.

Then i thought it was the lack of response to Borrowing Benefits. I have this belief that when nobody comes to me, it means i’m not in the right state of helping, and that kinda brings me down. Sigh…

A part of me feels like the way Brandon Bays felt when she was sick in bed for a period of time, like if she is not helping anyone, then who is she. I realise that i tend to feel very good after a session, and on days when i’m not seeing clients, i will feel less positive.

Another part of me doesn’t feel like helping pple. I told myself that i would call my KIV clients today to check up on them, but a glance at the list of their names just turned me off. Perhaps they all represented my failure to help them.

I guess it’s becoming clearer now. My happiness (at least part of it) hinges on my judgment of how effective I am in helping pple. If no clients come, it’s cos the universe knows i’m not in a gd frame of mind to help them, and it’s my fault. If my clients become KIV, it’s cos i didn’t help them much and it’s my fault. Add onto to my thoughts of today, that i am not actively seeking personal therapy, which means i’m not maximising my effectiveness as a therapist, and of cos that’s my fault too.

Geez, i’m sure in the mood for beating myself up today. Just to make sure u guys aren’t getting worried, i would clarify that i’m not depressed depressed cos i can still joke with colleagues and will prob be in a lighter mood later. Part of my writing this entry is to organise my thoughts so I would know what to tap on later. Doing EFT solo can be really tough, cos of all the unconscious beliefs and blind spots and i’m hoping to do an EFT session from one of the local EFT practitioners… hopefully that would manifest soon.

Well, guess what? Another part of me, whether it overlaps with the 1st 2 parts i don’t know (i think i got into talking this way after learning Parts Mediation Therapy from hypnotherapy class), feels that i’m not committed enough to giving service. I seem to be overly detached from my clients, so that i care about them when i am facing them, and yet can’t care less if they stop coming for therapy. I would definitely not go out on a limb for my clients, whatever that means, and in fact, i get annoyed when clients are not progressing. I guess that’s a sign that my ego is getting into the way here… rather than just helping them for their sake, i’m also helping them for my sake, so that i can be the world’s greatest healer.

Geez… am i really like that? I sure hope that even if there is a part of me who thinks that way, it’s only a teeny weeny part. Haha, another tappable issue i guess, cos i need to demonstrate to my clients a deep and complete acceptance of oneself, including all the bleah parts.

Sigh sigh sigh… such is life huh. Seems like it’s not easy to maintain a joyful spirit, day by day. I wonder if Buddha ever had a bad day. Probably not.

The ironic thing is the more preoccupied i am with success and abundance, the more worries and negativities i get. It’s ironic to me because i am receiving all these great tools to attract success and abundance, and don’t i need to do it before i can show others to do it – yet, i must be doing it wrongly somehow if i’m attracting negative thoughts as well.

So how, just forget abt being successful and abundant? That seems contrary to many new age teachings… sigh… i’m in a confused mood, and prob nothing i write today will make much sense to me.

Sigh… i’m suddenly feeling like life can be meaningless sometimes. If i’m not feeling fulfilled, whether helping others or not, then what?

Oh well, maybe it’s the August energies that are making me feel lost and confused.

This, too, shall pass. (One of the affirmations i have chosen for EFT Affirmations Cards!)

Let’s end off on a happier note with a conversation i had with little boy on the MRT the other day.

LB (watching the MRT Sentosa advert): Uh..water world!

Me: Yes underwater world!

LB: Mee-mee’s bird-day!

Me: Yes, you remember Mummy’s birthday coming soon… (I was referring to our conversation the day before when I mentioned we can go to Underwater World on my birthday since it’s the nearest special occasion for a special outing)

LB: Ian’s bird-day.

Me: Your birthday still far far away…

LB: Tele-cope! (telescope)

Me: *LOL*

It’s so funny how the conversation took a sudden turn like that huh. It can be such great fun to talk to little kiddos.