O is for orange

March 31, 2007 at 1:06 am | Posted in Scrapbooking | 4 Comments

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Oops… it was your first orange and since you didn’t know how this sweet fruit comes with a bitter skin, your first bite of your orange was quite an unpleasant experience!

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P is for Papa

March 30, 2007 at 11:51 pm | Posted in Scrapbooking | Leave a comment

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A series of most unfortunate events

March 30, 2007 at 5:09 pm | Posted in Rantings and ravings | 2 Comments

I’m typing this with a very heavy heart, and not sure if i’m going to feel better or worse after this. Today is Friday, which in my mind is the home-alone-with-little-boy day, the day after my office day and before Saturday, another office day. Because i get a change of routine before and after, i thought i wld be ready to spend the whole day with little boy with a newly charged battery.

Especially when i thought i finally cracked little boy’s food fads – my spiritual friend told me he is very sensitive to energy so i just needed to charge his food to raise its vibration (which also makes the food tastier). Charging, FYI, is a new age term, which doesn’t mean running electricity into the food, but rather doing stuff like positive visualisation, sending blessings or energy into the food, or using any other energy techniques. I also went to buy Bragg’s amino acids, which is one of those health food seasonings that claims to contain no sodium and have all 14 amino acids, so it even makes the food more nutritious. So i tried using Braggs and charging his food on Wednesday and since then, little boy has been eating his lunches and dinners with a little more enthusiasm which is such a relief.

Who knows that today wld turned out to be such a bad BAD day. He didn’t want to finish his breakfast. He didn’t want his vitamins, and i had to force feed him AGAIN, which i utterly hate cos i feel like such a big bully (sigh, where did the times go when little boy wld offer to open his mouth for the vitamins?). He kept on fiddling with Mr Gua Gua’s crystal balls on the computer table and even dropped one of the fengshui items on the floor. Luckily it didn’t break cos there were wires below to break its fall. Mr Gua Gua wld have freaked.

He was very tired this morning which i could tell cos he kept hitting his head so i thought he wld drop off to sleep without a problem. On the contrary, every time when his body became very still and i thought he has drifted off to dream land, the next moment he wld push himself away from me and roll over to play. This happened at least 5 times, so i was actually trying to get him to sleep all the way from 10.30 am to 12 pm. And i get so confused between letting him just play till he gets tired (which seems kinda overly permissive) and seeing he is playing despite being tired so physically forcing him to lie down (which seems disrespectful and almost coercive) which doesn’t work anyway cos he wld squirm and fuss.

In between trying to get him to sleep, i was cooking his lunch. Once, i came back to the room to find him at the dressing table with all the bottles taken out and one glass bottle broken on the floor. He seldom took that glass bottle out cos it was deep inside on the top shelf, but this time he took all the bottles out while i was in the kitchen. Wonder if he was hoping for a scolding from me – at least it’s still attention, according to the books, and any attention is better than none. Well, i didn’t scold him cos i’m kinda laid back abt my stuff, and i don’t use the cream anymore. Still i was annoyed cos it was mess that i had to clean.

Well, he still refused to sleep so i finally decided to give him an early lunch. And while preparing his porridge, i pushed the fridge door too hard and one of the glass bottles dropped out and crashed to the floor. Great, a 2nd broken object. I had to clean this up immediately since little boy might come to the kitchen any moment. And the condensed milk was a sticky mess to clean.

Still, i was not losing my temper – yet. Then little boy refused to eat after a few spoonfuls. I was upset but still saw that it cld be still too early and he wasn’t hungry. 12.30 pm, i gave up and tried to make him sleep again.

And he still wld NOT sleep. But after a while, i smelt poop and found out he had just pooped in his diaper, so that’s prob why he refused to sleep. I already felt bad that recently i haven’t been able to catch his poop, while Mr Gua Gua’s mum and my mum always get him to do it in the little blue pail, and it’s more unpleasant for both him and me to have the poop land in his diaper instead. As I was changing his diaper and prepared to wipe his bottom, i realised there were no more cotton pads. Perhaps i shld have just used the toilet paper but instead, i left little boy lying there and went to search for cotton pads which i thought were still somewhere in the house. I got more frustrated as i cldn’t find them, and when i came back, little boy had already gotten the poop all over himself, the changing mat and even one of the soft toys.

That was when i lost my patience. I didn’t really scold little boy but i told him that i was really frustrated by him – over and over again. Then i took him for a bath, all the while feeling extremely grumpy, and then i left him to the cot so i cld wash the rest of the stuff.

Then Mr Gua Gua came home. It was during his lunchtime and he was worried when i told him earlier that little boy was touching his stuff so he came back to check. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a boon, cos with him back, i felt free to unleash all my frustration on him. With all the things i had to clean, and little boy not taken his nap NOR lunch by that time which means both are overdue and i didn’t even know if he was more tired or more hungry. But i did know if he were to reject his food or nap again, i wld really go up the wall.

Finally, after some major outbursts of tears that frightened little boy into tears as well, Mr Gua Gua took little boy to his parents’ place seeing that i needed a break. That was sweet of him, but it made me feel like a big failure, that i cldn’t even do a gd job of taking care of little boy on one of the few days in the week i get to stay home with him.

Then i also felt guilty abt making little boy cry, and for being angry at him. And once i’m angry, i can’t take care of him, cos for one, he’s the one that indirectly made me angry and my helplessness with him makes me feel worse. And two, i got this New Age belief stuck in me that my negative energy will get passed along to the pple ard me, or the food if i happen to be making it at the time… and i hate the thought of affecting little boy with my anger which is very bad energy.

I think there must be some warp in those lines of thoughts up there, cos i can’t imagine how can i refrain from anger at ALL times, or that it’s possible and healthy for little boy to not have to see my unpleasant sides at times. After all anger is a very human emotion, and if i can find a healthy way of expressing it without scaring or upseting him in any way, it can help him learn abt anger in a positive way too. Unfortunately, i still can’t figure out how to express anger more positively yet… if counting 1, 2, 3 doesn’t work, and keeping it all in is not that great. Wait, i’m a counsellor and i don’t know my anger management techniques. That’s not gd. :/

Sigh, i don’t feel like such a gd mummy right now. I hate the fact that little boy saw me lost control of myself, and do all the things which are supposed to be no-nos in the books. Ya, the thing abt reading so many parenting books is that they all come to haunt you after you have made some big mistakes. I always feel like i get it while reading the books, like it’s really not that hard to be a really gd parent. Yet in times like these, i feel like i really do know nothing, and whatever i do know, i just can’t put it to practice.

Sigh, it’s just a really bad day. I pray that the universe and higher beings will give me guidance and support to be a better mother, or at least help me feel like one, cos feeling like the world’s worst mum (even if deep deep inside i really know that i’m not) really sucks big time.  :/

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