Contentment ever so fleeting

March 15, 2007 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Rantings and ravings, The journey within | Leave a comment

The thing abt blogging is that most of the time, after i have written down some perspective or feeling, the next day it wld change. Most recent case is on my thoughts on motherhood and work. At that point, i was happy abt having more time to take care of little boy and watch him grow, and whatever little amt of time i have to spend in the office, i was doing stuff which i found meaningful and that made me happy. So all in all, my life was just abt perfect.

The word is WAS. What can i say? I’m not one of those pple who seem to live all their days in blissful contentment.

Just to clarify, i’m not extremely discontented with life right now. But the balance of work and family which i was so pleased with a while back doesn’t seem so perfect anymore. I guess it all began 2 days ago when i started to think about some kind of weekly schedule for the days i spend at home with little boy so that neither of us have to face 4 walls whole day and get bored. The weekly schedule i tot of went something like Tuesdays is water day, so we go to the pool and on rainy days, litte boy gets to play with water in a bath tub or with a pail at home; Wednesday is Botanic Gardens day; Friday is free and easy day – either go someplace new or stay at home and play toys or read books. Mons and Thurs i’m at work in the afternoons so little boy gets to play with his Mak Mak and Ye Ye. Saturdays, when i’m at work, my parents come over and he gets to enjoy their very different kind of company. Sundays is family or couple day and ideally (if Mr Gua Gua doesn’t end up napping whole day), the 3 of us can go out together, OR he gets left at the deposit counter and Mr Gua Gua and i get to go for a movie or something…. heehee….

Ok, lemme digress a little first. I took little boy to Botanic Gardens on Tuesday and both of us enjoyed it tremendously! We took a bus there and little boy was so curious abt the passengers and attracted much attention as well – even got a sweet from the Malay lady behind us! At the Gardens, i enjoyed sitting on the bench, taking in the beautiful surroundings, especially watching other kids playing, while little boy enjoyed walking along the bench and exploring every crook and cranny. We spent one full hour there, and the weather was simply wonderful though it drizzled a little towards the end. As i was a bit tired and it was nearing his dinner time, i decided to take a cab home. There weren’t any taxis at the taxi stand… i was hoping that someone wld take a cab to Botanic Gardens at that time but too bad, nope. I was wondering if i shld call a taxi and pay the extra charge. Then i decided to try manifesting for one first, so i mentally sent the message to the universe, thank you for the taxi that is coming SOON.

I waited a few minutes… expecting to see a taxi turn the corner. Alas, no taxi. Few minutes more, guess what? A taxi DID appear, and it didn’t have any passenger so it seemed as though the universe got the taxi come specially for me. It was a bit anti-climatic when the driver got out and motioned for me to take the taxi in front (he didn; know that that one was on call) before he disappeared inside the building. I was thinking, darn, i shld have called for an *available* taxi… not just any taxi. But ok, the driver came back minutes later and drove me back home. He was even helpful enough to help me with the stroller and told me to cover little boy’s  head as it was drizzling a little. Guess my manifestation worked!

Anyway, on Tue night i was thinking of what to do on Wed with little boy cos i was so worried of getting bored staying at home whole day. In the end, Mr Gua Gua’s parents offered to take care of him so i got to meet Mr Gua Gua for lunch and check out the book sale at Bras Basah, where i got so many cool books for little boy and one on child devt for myself for a real bargain. For the price of perhaps 2 children’s books in Borders, i got myself 7! I love book sales. 🙂

Unfortunately, it was a case of xian1 tian2 hou4 ku3 (first sweet, then bitter) that day cos i got home and little boy was still sleeping at his grandparents’ house so i had a nap too. Later at night, cos little boy had such a late nap, he refused to sleep and i was counting the minutes, all 90 of them, till Mr Gua Gua came home when i told him to take over. Sigh, i just hate it when little boy doesn’t sleep and my evening gets burnt. Even though the rest of my day was pretty relaxing, i have gotten used to my evening routine of having dinner while watching tv and waiting for Mr Gua Gua to get home, when we will chat or do our own things. But when little boy doesn’t sleep, i don’t get to do any of those things and i just can’t help but feel resentful, and then i will take it out on Mr Gua Gua.

Ok, still digressing. Back to the point of the work-home balance getting not so perfect. I was also thinking of tweaking it a little so i get to take up some daytime yoga lessons, preferably during little boy’s meal times. I was pretty thrilled to find one with the ideal timing offered by one of the CCs, and i tot perhaps i can ask my mum to come over on yoga days and when i’m back in the afternoon, she can also come with us to the pool and help out when needed. Perfect right?

I told Mr Gua Gua abt my idea of scheduling my days at home with little boy and was a bit disappointed when his reaction was less than enthusiastic. Perhaps if he was supportive, i wld have just gone on to carry it out, but because he was not, i took a pause and reconsidered my plans.

Seems like i was over-planning? Trying to make things too perfect? Or perhaps too anxious abt getting bored if there was nothing planned for the day. The fact that i was feeling so restless and wanting to go out all the time made me wonder if i’m suitable to stay at home with litte boy after all. In fact, i don’t seem to be spending as much time playing with him or reading books together with him as i expected myself to be – instead, doing chores or just watching little boy playing in a rather passive way.

I rationalised my plans these way. Little boy needs stimulation and more exposure to the world. Better for him to go out then stay at home and get bored. As for yoga, well i shld take time to fulfill my needs too. I’m already going for short swims after my work on Mons and Thurs, but yoga wld be more of a spiritual practice since i’m lazy to meditate these days.  

Seems rational rite? But i don’t know why the more i try to make things perfect, the more the discontentment in me grows.

On the other side of the coin, i’m getting more and more clients at work and these days i’m really looking forward to work cos it brings me so much satisfaction. Today i even left home for work early and then stayed back in office later without claiming time-off. Wonder if i shld do more hours of work again, since i’m enjoying it and my colleagues seem to value my input. Not to mention i wld get to earn money and also less time to spend it all away. 🙂

To “spice” things up, there’s another major turnover at SY which means i may be getting even more clients, and there’s a high possibility that i wld be needed in other ways too. If not for the fact that little boy is so young and i feel that it’s more impt for me to guide his devt personally, i wld prob jump in and take the opportunity to fulfill my potential. Mr Gua Gua even went as far as to suggest me taking up some leadership role. He’s supportive like tt. I took him only half-seriously, and there was a part of me who felt that he could be right. On the way back home today, after hearing the news abt the major turnover, i wondered if i shld be more courageous, step out to make a difference to the place instead of remaining in my comfort zone. I seem to be always expecting others to do that, to be the revolutionaries and make the change… and i forget that i cld be doing that myself and be a revolutionary too.

Sigh… guess i’m a little confused now. Is this just plain old discontentment, or is it more of some urge to answer an inner call?

It’s sure annoying that everytime i think i have finally reached a place where i feel totally comfortable and happy abt, the next moment things will change and it’s back to instability and chaos again. Oh well… as they say, change is the only constant, so guess i just need to learn to follow the flow and listen to my heart closely for guidance. This heart of mine just have to speak just a little louder cos my listening skills are getting quite lousy!

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