What i’m here for

May 3, 2007 at 1:38 am | Posted in Rantings and ravings, The journey within | 2 Comments

Something happened at work that really ticked me off. Well, i was ticked off. For handling a situation with a client in a wrong way. I know i didn’t handle it well, but it irked me that the person who ticked me off just kept rubbing it in, as if he thought i wasn’t taking it seriously enough or something.

I’m angry at that person for being so mean, but i’m even angrier at myself for letting myself feel this way. I have been rather pissed at being caught in this position of feeling like i have to be on my toes and watch every word i say, and trying to please the other party. The result is that i feel belittled, undermined, and not respected. And i guess the truth is that i haven’t really been firm and open about my own opinions and views, to get the acknowledgement that i feel i haven’t been getting.

I miss the old days where i felt comfortable with asking questions and giving my opinions. Where i knew i could be honest without getting into complicated politicking which i’m utterly hopeless at. Those were the days when pple didn’t smile for the sake of putting up a good front, and said only the things they meant. I remember fondly my ex-colleague who used to go on crazy rants, kicking and punching the air, to vent off her work frustrations. Pple would laugh at her, shake their heads at her, and probably thought things like, there she goes again. But everyone liked her, and i think a big part of it was her authencity, her courage to show her true self, whether or not pple liked it.

Those were the days where pple laughed together, teased each other, played games, went for lunch together. Now, pple gather in cliques, gossip about one another, played games of a totally different nature, and lunched alone or in selective groupings.

I have always been anti-social in this place, partly out of shyness, partly out of fear of getting into politics which is more of an issue in the past months with all the turnovers and chaos. My focus was just on getting my work done, that’s it. No need to make friends nor enemies. Of cos, whenever colleagues conversed with me, i reciprocated accordingly, though i seldom went beyond that.

Lately with the new colleagues, i started became a little more social, but ever since that big hoo-ha with the guy who wanted food rations, i have become even more cautious and prudent than i ever have been. I learnt a lesson which made me sad, that sometimes being overly helpful can bring trouble to one, and now, even though i still have this automatic urge to help, there are times when i hesitate, not wanting to get myself into trouble again.

Perhaps that wasn’t supposed to be the lesson to learn at all. Right now i’m just confused. When i follow my heart, things turn out disastrous. When i don’t follow my heart, i feel lost and heavy. When i speak my truth, pple don’t take it well. When i keep my views to myself, i feel misunderstood or simply invisible.

What happened to me, who used to say anything she liked, regardless of what others may think? Sure, that person was impulsive, self-centred, opinionated and perhaps arrogant. But she was also forthright, eloquent, strong and firm.

Now, i keep worrying abt whether i’m gonna say the wrong thing and offend someone. In the end, i say nothing, or say something which was solely intended to make the other person think i agree, where i really don’t. I don’t know where did this anxiety to please other pple come from. Cos i’m pretty sure during the period where i cldn’t care less if i offended the other person, the words that came out resonated within me well.

Let me recall my true being again cos i really do need the reminder.

I’m here to communicate the truth, not just to clients but to everyone around me, so that they can remember their truths as well. I’m not here to say or do things that would make pple feel good, inflate their egos, or make them like me. These pple are merely passerbys in my life. Their opinions of me are as significant as dust, and just as temporary. Only by standing true to myself, can i touch others at the deepest, truest level. All other actions are nothing more but illusions, a magician’s props to make this whole samsaric show seem real.

I’m here to learn to show my true self. Humbling myself falsely or making myself superior to others would only diminish my light, so that nobody can see who i truly am, including myself. My true self is full of radiance, wisdom, and strength. Aligning myself with this true self can only inspire others to do the same, and those who choose not to do so would naturally take different paths that will lead them out of my life.

I’m here to learn to love myself. Loving myself means accepting and respecting ALL of me, including the not so beautiful parts. It means allowing myself to just be. It also means not giving my power away, by letting my need for others’ approval and acceptance to take precedence over who i am.

It means sharing myself with others too. Instead of telling others it’s ok, when it’s not, i love myself enough to show my own sadness, disappointments, anger to others, not to gain sympathy or comfort, but rather to express myself in an authentic manner instead of hiding, pretending or repressing.

It also means to take care of myself on all levels – physical, mental, spiritual. To exercise, eat healthy food, have a clear mind, and most importantly, to meditate! Meditation is probably one of the best forms of self-care, and it helps me to care for myself better too. I do miss those days when i regularly meditated, when my mind seemed much clearer and positive than now, and i was much more connected with my intuition. Sigh, i guess it’s when i find it so hard to meditate, when i need to meditate most! And this is where no one can help but myself.

Well, i’m glad this entry started out negative but ended on a more positive note. I was in a rather disillusioned state tonight, wondering if i’m in the wrong environment or if i’m doing everything wrong (again). But i guess i just needed some self-reminders, to remember what i’m here for… and it doesn’t seem all that hard really. I just need to keep remembering it, moment to moment!!


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