Crazy emotions

March 25, 2009 at 1:02 am | Posted in Rantings and ravings | Leave a comment

It has been a rollercoaster ride today. Not a Level 3 one, but at least a Level 1, and one that ends by going downhill… all the way down.

Most dramatic moments were during peer sharing with my colleagues today on systemic constellations. I’m the only one who didn’t attend, even though i was the first to express interest. Then again, it’s cos i couldn’t make it last-min that a colleague managed to go. He wouldn’t have gone at all. Yet, it was a very transformational experience for him, so it seems like it’s all meant to be.

Aside from the sharing, we also had an experiential exercise. I was playing the mother of a colleague. Recalling J’s words, that the force comes from outside, i shut my mind off and just let myself be pushed in all directions. It’s like dancing with some invisible force. Out of nowhere, my feet took me forwards, backwards, round in a circle, sideways. My colleague, “my daughter”, danced with me, and it was an antagonistic dance, where we were dancing to get out of each other’s ways.

The father was called in. I wanted to avoid him as well, and turned my back towards him. He came to face me and took my hand. He tried his best to reconcile me and my daughter, but i just could not face her. I didn’t want to.

Someone dead was called in. The father pulled me towards tt someone (lying on the floor). Suddenly, i felt a strong impulse to back away. BACK AWAY… pulling my hub together with me. In fact i just felt like distancing myself away from the dead person, and would have broken the hand hold, anything to get away, except that my “hub” was holding my hand firmly and was pulled back with me.

Then a gentle squeeze on the hand, and reassuring look from him. It’s ok. And i allowed myself to be guided back to the dead person’s body. He wanted me to kneel down. I wouldn’t. I still can’t look at the dead person.

All of a sudden, something inside me broke and waves of tears came gushing out. Tears of grief coming from an unknown source. Dripping down my face, onto my clothes, onto my hands. My “daughter” started crying, and so did the facilitator. The dead person also started tearing.

The facilitator led me in saying certain words, and as i said them, tears flowed even more. Finally i was able to hold the dead person’s hand, and the latter returned my hand to my husband’s hand.

That was the end of the experiential session, and despite having de-roled, i was left shaking all over, like i had some kind of fits. It turned out that the daughter still had things to say to the mother. Once she said them in her heart, the shakes went away, and i could de-role myself properly.

Apparently, this is what happens ALL the time in a constellations workshop, and according to a colleague, it could be 10 times worse. My male colleague, the father, was rather overwhelmed, being surrounded by 4 crying women. Haha… of cos, being the SNAG he is, i think he handled it well.

I dunno if that’s why i’m feeling extra touchy this evening. I met this guy through Facebook recently and met up with him the other day. There seems to be this really strong connection btw us. Yet, tonight when i chatted with him, i just felt very irked by certain things he was saying, and i virtually stormed off.

I dunno if it’s been too long since i chatted with friends, but i seriously don’t rem being that easily triggered off by friends. Mr Gua Gua, of cos, can trigger me pretty easily, but not friends. Much less, a friend that i barely know for a week. A v nice guy at tt.

Something is a bit off here… and i’m a bit disgusted by it. I enjoy the way i have been loosening up, being able to express myself more naturally, and with more humour. But authencity does come with its cons, and that is i can’t hide it when i’m feeling annoyed.

Perhaps this is still better than living life impassively, in an emotionless manner, where everything is just ok and not too bad.

I don’t get it… why i’m feeling the way i do. Maybe there is nothing to get either. I might have just lost a friend. I hope that i didn’t.

And then there is another friend, an old friend in the past who just came back into my life, who keeps talking in bizarre ways, and for some reason, i can’t seem to ignore it. Half the time he makes me smile, the other half, he just weirds me out.

Strangeness abounds. My life is sure anything but dull at the moment. I won’t complain.


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