Feeling blue

July 28, 2013 at 12:52 am | Posted in All about little girl, Scrapbooking | Leave a comment

I don’t even know if I’m feeling blue tonight cos I may not be pregnant or I may be pregnant. For the former, well, obviously I would be down cos I really want little girl to come. On the other hand, if she has really been conceived, I worry about whether I would be able to take good care of her. Tonight little boy was being bratty again. During the birthday dinner celebration for my grandmother, he kept whining about not wanting to eat the food (cos it’s vegetarian), and being rather impolite towards my mum and the aunties. I felt quite impatient with him and even though I still played with him most of the time, inwardly, I wish that he could be better behaved. Then I wonder, what if little girl turns out to be like him? Will she?

I have to admit that I have this fantasy, that all the mistakes I made with little boy and all the missed opportunities, I would make up for it with little girl. I will document her every milestone with pictures and blog entries. I will teach her to be independent by doing bf-ing on demand and baby-led weaning. I will read to her everyday and make sure that she will grow up to love reading. I will allow her to fall down and take risks, so that she will love adventure and thrill. Most importantly, I will take very good care of her, so that she will not need to seek another caregiver.

Sometimes I really regret letting little boy stay with his grandparents when he was almost 3. Sure, I gained lots of personal time which I totally enjoyed. But I feel that little boy turned out with certain qualities which irks me, and which I think wouldn’t be the case if I had been his main caregiver. Oh well, of cos, this can’t be undone. Which is why I want to do it differently with little girl.

Maybe it’s cos I have so many expectations about what I want to do with little girl that I feel depressed cos I don’t know I would get to meet my own expectations. I am a perfectionist after all, and I get easily frustrated if things don’t go my way. Like Mr Gua Gua wanting to take over my confinement instead of getting a confinement lady cos he wants to save money and he doesn’t like the idea of having a stranger with us. I guess there are benefits of him doing my confinement, but I got really broody, thinking of the likely worst-case scenarios, where he won’t be taking good care of me, and I would need to keep reminding him of what he needs to do, and in the end I won’t get the quality rest and nutrition that I want.

I guess I really have too many expectations this time round. With little boy, I had no idea what confinement was supposed to be like, so I was rather relaxed and basically went with the flow. And ok, even though now with my newly equipped knowledge, I realised that my MIL didn’t do the confinement stuff 100% like making sure i’m in bed most of the time (in fact she even told my mother that I slept too much!) or make red dates tea for me, it was overall still pretty good, and I got compliments on my complexion after that which means that the nourishment was there.

But now that I have done so much research on confinement, I really wanted to get one of the highly recommended CLs so that I will be superbly well taken care of, and have nothing to worry about. Sigh… I don’t know. Mr Gua Gua can be very efficient and hardworking at times, but at other times, very forgetful and blur and lazy. I’m really afraid that he will annoy me so much during the confinement, especially with all the hormonal mood swings, and I will start yelling my head off at him or just burst into tears (and according to what some experts say, that will give you cateracts in old age). Looks like I better do more EFT on the whole pregnancy and postnatal stuff with Gail during the swap sessions so that I can be a happy and relaxed mummy!

Ok now I’m depressed about little girl possibly not being here yet. I don’t know. I got headaches for a couple days last week which is rare for me, so I wonder if they are pregnancy symptoms. Of cos, there’s no nausea and fatigue yet, but a couple of Internet articles say that they normally appear during 6-8 weeks of pregnancy – so there’s hope. Anyway, I do intend to get TCM medicine regularly which is supposed to be really effective in keeping the nausea at bay.

Yesterday, I thought I would do my own DIY pregnancy test. Very primitive, according to Mr Gua Gua. Well, I basically just wrote on 2 slips of paper, “Pregnant” and “Not pregnant”, and since words carry energy and our bodies can’t lie, I asked myself, which one describes my state at this moment, and then picked a slip. Results: 4 out of 6 times, I got “Pregnant”. Positive, but not exactly a 100% positive result. Should I believe it?

I also used my eyes energy testing test a few times, and always got positive for pregnancy. But honestly, I really don’t know if my body is just telling me what I want to “hear”, even though I kept setting the intention to get an accurate answer. Sigh, and I can’t test myself using those home pregnancy kits for another 2 weeks. I have this idea to ask Monika during our Emotion Code session next Mon to do muscle testing for whether I’m pregnant or not. Wonder if she would agree. But if she said i’m not pregnant, I would be SOOOO disappointed…. 😦 And if she said i’m pregnant, and it turns out that i’m not, I would be soooo disappointed too.

Mr Gua Gua said something tonight that made me really pissed. We were arguing about something, and he told me, with my kind of thinking, no wonder little girl won’t come. I was SOOOO mad at him for saying that. In the end, he apologised for what he said (cos I told him to!), but i’m still a little upset. Especially since I don’t know if little girl is here yet.

Ok, I just did muscle testing using eyes again, to check if little girl is here yet. Again I got a yes. But honestly, I think I can sometimes make my body respond in a way that I want, so I still can’t be sure if this is accurate. How????

I know that i’m making myself miserable for nothing. Of cos, if little girl isn’t here yet, then I can probably take the opportunity to nourish my body first and make it a conducive place for little girl to have a healthy start in life. Mr Gua Gua even wants to cook me ginseng chicken to nourish the womb, in case little girl is already in there, OR, to prepare the womb for her arrival. Sigh… I guess that’s kinda sweet, but I told him that he better BD with me in the couple days after that IF Monika agreed to muscle test me and got a negative. At this rate, I don’t care how enjoyable the BD session is, as long as it is PRODUCTIVE. Although I hear so many stories about couples who BD with the intention of conceiving with no results, and the one time they just BD for the enjoyment of it, the baby comes. But i’m not in the mood leh….

Now I just keep seeing pple posting baby pics on FB, and XX posting ultra cute pics and videos of her super adorable kiddo. And I get both jealous and envious!

Ok I just felt a slight cramping, which is unusual cos my next scheduled period is on 12 Aug, so I did a check on the internet and apparently, slight cramps often happen just after implantation. So crossing my fingers that this is a good sign! Just to put on record here, our last ED date is on 22 July, and my ovulation date is around 26 July. Please please please…

On a happier note, I want to take back a little about what I insinuated with little boy. He is really a good boy most of the time, just a bit mischievous, and slightly too obsessed with playing computer/phone/ipad games (but I guess that’s normal for boys?). And today I was kinda surprised when he finished his English homework with hardly any help from me, and in a jiffy! He could even subtract 28 from 50 without any help from me. Although he took some time figuring it out, he got the answer right the first time round. Not bad for a Pri 1 kid without any Eng or Math tuition classes! Of cos, his Mandarin still leaves a lot to be desired, but I think he is improving bit by bit as well. At least my in laws take his studies very seriously and guide him at home as well, so academic-wise, I think he’s fine. Thank goodness for that!

Today during the dinner, my mum passed around a photo album made by MK sis containing photos of Mainee, Lakmai and Popo’s visit to their place in NY. Of cos, it was very nicely done, but I have to say, I was just that little bit dismayed, cos I have the intention of making a professionally printed ABC album of little girl too, with copies for both sides of the family, and now it would seem like I’m copying MK sis. Sigh… then again, these kind of creative projects are getting so popular and MK sis being the creative type, it’s not that surprising that she would have come up with this photo album. I would just have to console myself with the fact that mine would be an ABC album, and i’m sure that it’s going to be much cuter and more nicely designed than hers. Ahhh… whatever la. Sometimes i’m too competitive for my own good. :/ But c’mon, who can resist an ABC baby photo album? Haha… hopefully by the time the album is completed, I would be able to find appreciative audiences for it. I like the attention that way!

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