Bee boh….

August 13, 2013 at 6:50 pm | Posted in All about little girl, The journey within | Leave a comment

…. Menses came today. Sigh! It was supposed to come yesterday, and despite the negative pregnancy test, I hoped that it was just a false negative. Unfortunately, it turned out accurate after all… ­čśŽ

Sigh, I guess the conditions are not right for little girl yet. Maybe she knows that her papa has yet to confirm a new job, financial situation not stable, so she doesn’t want to come, in case Mr Gua Gua feels stressed about not being able to provide for little girl.

BUT… Mr Gua Gua just received 2 job offers today. TWO! So at least his job is more or less settled, now just need to take care of his health. He has been falling sick so frequently recently, not sure if it’s a good or bad sign, cos he just went to Dr F to tiao his body, so maybe it’s detoxing symptoms. Anyway, he also knows that he needs to take care of his health. Otherwise how can little girl come?!?

I was feeling so sian today that I decided to browse the Zhu Sheng Niang Niang thread in the SMH forum. Wah, this tolberone forumer seems so skilled in giving advice that after reading so many of her posts, I feel compelled to come back to my Buddhist roots. Reflecting on myself, it seems like I really strayed very far in this past year. Not only did I stop meditating, chanting, etc, I even feel bored when praying at temple, started eating beef (but only once in a blue moon), and the worst is, I have been killing ants that crawl onto my body without blinking an eye. Tsk tsk… thinking about it makes me feel very regretful. And I have become so much less compassionate these days too. Maybe I need to start cultivating again before little girl would want to come. Especially if she is really going to be an emanation for Green Tara, as what Mr Gua Gua insists that she would be.

To be honest, I have really become very lazy in doing self cultivation, compared to the past when I was super onz. Even though tolberone has given very straightforward advice to do chanting and/or copy Medicine Buddha sutra so as to accumulate merits and create the conditions to conceive a child, and I realise that it’s probably good advice, I still feel lazy about doing it. Sigh… not sure why either. I used to be so diligent in all kinds of practice, be it meditating, chanting, prostrating, etc, and now I just don’t feel like doing it.

For now, i’m just listening to Medicine Buddha mantras on Youtube. Yeah, I know that that’s really the most basic, but hopefully listening to it will gradually help me to become more motivated in doing more. Not only for conceiving little girl but during pregnancy as well. I believe that little boy is now so intelligent and relatively well-behaved is cos I chanted om mani padme hung rather diligently when I was pregnant with him, and I attended the mani retreat too. So hopefully by the time little girl comes, I will find the motivation to do some kind of spiritual practice as well.

New inspirations

July 29, 2013 at 10:46 pm | Posted in All about little girl | Leave a comment

My latest inspired ideas for little girl:

1) The ABC cabinet

I recently ordered 24 boxes of raspberry leaf tea from iherb.com (if you are a first-time customer, use FVN617 to get $10 off your purchase!). So it occurred to me that with 24 boxes, I can make a 4×6 cabinet and label them A to Z (with the last box combining X, Y and Z). Then I can put in pictures of objects starting with first letters accompanying each “drawer”. As usual, once I feel inspired, I kinda get on with it and finish it very quickly. Since last night, I have google imaged all the A-Z objects I wanted and have them laid out on a word document. When my tea arrives, I will check the size of the boxes, and then print out, laminate and cut them out. Maybe I will draw the ABCs and get little boy to colour them in, if he’s interested. But not only will this be wonderfully educational for little girl, I can turn it into a game with little boy too. That is to pick random pictures with the same first letter, and to take turns making a story out of the pictures. It will be good practice for his composition writing in the near future!

2) The castle

We still have some leftover boxes from our house move (from end of 2011!!) so I figured that I can build a cardboard castle for little girl to play in. Hopefully I can get rope in little boy to help me in building the castle, like painting the “bricks”. I really like the colours of this one.

castle

Here’s a another sample of real castle walls.

castle2

I don’t know if I will be able to figure out the mosaic┬ástyle since I haven’t done it before┬ábut will see!

3) The play kitchen

I just stumbled upon this blog entry and thought the kitchen looks excellent!

fridge

Btw, the stovetops are cds (reflective surface turned up), how creative! It’s definitely something that little girls will love to play with for hours. The possibilities are endless! The only thing is I don’t know if I can find the right sized boxed for it since I only have fat square-ish boxes at home at the moment. So again, will see… *cross fingers that I can find the boxes*

Well, I had my Emotion Code with Monika today and we managed to clear 7 trapped emotions. Unfortunately Monika didn’t want to help me muscle test for whether I’m pregnant, cos she knew I had a strong desire for little girl to come and she thought my ego would get in the way of the muscle testing. Oh well! However, I did muscle testing on my own using Monika’s method (2nd finger and thumb pressed together to form an O, the other thumb try to push it open from the inside), and it SEEMS like everytime I tested for me being pregnant, I got a yes! So the odds are definitely not too bad… but still, have to wait for 2 more weeks before I can get a home pregnancy test kit. In the meantime, I would just have to entertain myself with more little girl research…

Feeling blue

July 28, 2013 at 12:52 am | Posted in All about little girl, Scrapbooking | Leave a comment

I don’t even know if I’m feeling blue tonight cos I may not be pregnant or I may be pregnant. For the former, well, obviously I would be down cos I really want little girl to come. On the other hand, if she has really been conceived, I worry about whether I would be able to take good care of her. Tonight little boy was being bratty again. During the birthday dinner celebration for my grandmother, he kept whining about not wanting to eat the food (cos it’s vegetarian), and being rather impolite towards my mum and the aunties. I felt quite impatient with him and even though I still played with him most of the time, inwardly, I wish that he could be better behaved. Then I wonder, what if little girl turns out to be like him? Will she?

I have to admit that I have this fantasy, that all the mistakes I made with little boy and all the missed opportunities, I would make up for it with little girl. I will document her every milestone with pictures and blog entries. I will teach her to be independent by doing bf-ing on demand and baby-led weaning. I will read to her everyday and make sure that she will grow up to love reading. I will allow her to fall down and take risks, so that she will love adventure and thrill. Most importantly, I will take very good care of her, so that she will not need to seek another caregiver.

Sometimes I really regret letting little boy stay with his grandparents when he was almost 3. Sure, I gained lots of personal time which I totally enjoyed. But I feel that little boy turned out with certain qualities which irks me, and which I think wouldn’t be the case if I had been his main caregiver. Oh well, of cos, this can’t be undone. Which is why I want to do it differently with little girl.

Maybe it’s cos I have so many expectations about what I want to do with little girl that I feel depressed cos I don’t know I would get to meet my own expectations. I am a perfectionist after all, and I get easily frustrated if things don’t go my way. Like Mr Gua Gua wanting to take over my confinement instead of getting a confinement lady cos he wants to save money and he doesn’t like the idea of having a stranger with us. I guess there are benefits of him doing my confinement, but I got really broody, thinking of the likely worst-case scenarios, where he won’t be taking good care of me, and I would need to keep reminding him of what he needs to do, and in the end I won’t get the quality rest and nutrition that I want.

I guess I really have too many expectations this time round. With little boy, I had no idea what confinement was supposed to be like, so I was rather relaxed and basically went with the flow. And ok, even though now with my newly equipped knowledge, I realised that my MIL didn’t do the confinement stuff 100% like making sure i’m in bed most of the time (in fact she even told my mother that I slept too much!) or make red dates tea for me, it was overall still pretty good, and I got compliments on my complexion after that which means that the nourishment was there.

But now that I have done so much research on confinement, I really wanted to get one of the highly recommended CLs so that I will be superbly well taken care of, and have nothing to worry about. Sigh… I don’t know. Mr Gua Gua can be very efficient and hardworking at times, but at other times, very forgetful and blur and lazy. I’m really afraid that he will annoy me so much during the confinement, especially with all the hormonal mood swings, and I will start yelling my head off at him or just burst into tears (and according to what some experts say, that will give you cateracts in old age). Looks like I better do more EFT on the whole pregnancy and postnatal stuff with Gail during the swap sessions so that I can be a happy and relaxed mummy!

Ok now I’m depressed about little girl possibly not being here yet. I don’t know. I got headaches for a couple days last week which is rare for me, so I wonder if they are pregnancy symptoms. Of cos, there’s no nausea and fatigue yet, but a couple of Internet articles say that they normally appear during 6-8 weeks of pregnancy – so there’s hope. Anyway, I do intend to get TCM medicine regularly which is supposed to be really effective in keeping the nausea at bay.

Yesterday, I thought I would do my own DIY pregnancy test. Very primitive, according to Mr Gua Gua. Well, I basically just wrote on 2 slips of paper, “Pregnant” and “Not pregnant”, and since words carry energy and our bodies can’t lie, I asked myself, which one describes my state at this moment, and then picked a slip. Results: 4 out of 6 times, I got “Pregnant”. Positive, but not exactly a 100% positive result. Should I believe it?

I also used my eyes energy testing test a few times, and always got positive for pregnancy. But honestly, I really don’t know if my body is just telling me what I want to “hear”, even though I kept setting the intention to get an accurate answer. Sigh, and I can’t test myself using those home pregnancy kits for another 2 weeks. I have this idea to ask Monika during our Emotion Code session next Mon to do muscle testing for whether I’m pregnant or not. Wonder if she would agree. But if she said i’m not pregnant, I would be SOOOO disappointed…. ­čśŽ And if she said i’m pregnant, and it turns out that i’m not, I would be soooo disappointed too.

Mr Gua Gua said something tonight that made me really pissed. We were arguing about something, and he told me, with my kind of thinking, no wonder little girl won’t come. I was SOOOO mad at him for saying that. In the end, he apologised for what he said (cos I told him to!), but i’m still a little upset. Especially since I don’t know if little girl is here yet.

Ok, I just did muscle testing using eyes again, to check if little girl is here yet. Again I got a yes. But honestly, I think I can sometimes make my body respond in a way that I want, so I still can’t be sure if this is accurate. How????

I know that i’m making myself miserable for nothing. Of cos, if little girl isn’t here yet, then I can probably take the opportunity to nourish my body first and make it a conducive place for little girl to have a healthy start in life. Mr Gua Gua even wants to cook me ginseng chicken to nourish the womb, in case little girl is already in there, OR, to prepare the womb for her arrival. Sigh… I guess that’s kinda sweet, but I told him that he better BD with me in the couple days after that IF Monika agreed to muscle test me and got a negative. At this rate, I don’t care how enjoyable the BD session is, as long as it is PRODUCTIVE. Although I hear so many stories about couples who BD with the intention of conceiving with no results, and the one time they just BD for the enjoyment of it, the baby comes. But i’m not in the mood leh….

Now I just keep seeing pple posting baby pics on FB, and XX posting ultra cute pics and videos of her super adorable kiddo. And I get both jealous and envious!

Ok I just felt a slight cramping, which is unusual cos my next scheduled period is on 12 Aug, so I did a check on the internet and apparently, slight cramps often happen just after implantation. So crossing my fingers that this is a good sign! Just to put on record here, our last ED date is on 22 July, and my ovulation date is around 26 July. Please please please…

On a happier note, I want to take back a little about what I insinuated with little boy. He is really a good boy most of the time, just a bit mischievous, and slightly too obsessed with playing computer/phone/ipad games (but I guess that’s normal for boys?). And today I was kinda surprised when he finished his English homework with hardly any help from me, and in a jiffy! He could even subtract 28 from 50 without any help from me. Although he took some time figuring it out, he got the answer right the first time round. Not bad for a Pri 1 kid without any Eng or Math tuition classes! Of cos, his Mandarin still leaves a lot to be desired, but I think he is improving bit by bit as well. At least my in laws take his studies very seriously and guide him at home as well, so academic-wise, I think he’s fine. Thank goodness for that!

Today during the dinner, my mum passed around a photo album made by MK sis containing photos of Mainee, Lakmai and Popo’s visit to their place in NY. Of cos, it was very nicely done, but I have to say, I was just that little bit dismayed, cos I have the intention of making a professionally printed ABC album of little girl too, with copies for both sides of the family, and now it would seem like I’m copying MK sis. Sigh… then again, these kind of creative projects are getting so popular and MK sis being the creative type, it’s not that surprising that she would have come up with this photo album. I would just have to console myself with the fact that mine would be an ABC album, and i’m sure that it’s going to be much cuter and more nicely designed than hers. Ahhh… whatever la. Sometimes i’m too competitive for my own good. :/ But c’mon, who can resist an ABC baby photo album? Haha… hopefully by the time the album is completed, I would be able to find appreciative audiences for it. I like the attention that way!

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