Sweet Miracles

Bee boh….

…. Menses came today. Sigh! It was supposed to come yesterday, and despite the negative pregnancy test, I hoped that it was just a false negative. Unfortunately, it turned out accurate after all… 😦

Sigh, I guess the conditions are not right for little girl yet. Maybe she knows that her papa has yet to confirm a new job, financial situation not stable, so she doesn’t want to come, in case Mr Gua Gua feels stressed about not being able to provide for little girl.

BUT… Mr Gua Gua just received 2 job offers today. TWO! So at least his job is more or less settled, now just need to take care of his health. He has been falling sick so frequently recently, not sure if it’s a good or bad sign, cos he just went to Dr F to tiao his body, so maybe it’s detoxing symptoms. Anyway, he also knows that he needs to take care of his health. Otherwise how can little girl come?!?

I was feeling so sian today that I decided to browse the Zhu Sheng Niang Niang thread in the SMH forum. Wah, this tolberone forumer seems so skilled in giving advice that after reading so many of her posts, I feel compelled to come back to my Buddhist roots. Reflecting on myself, it seems like I really strayed very far in this past year. Not only did I stop meditating, chanting, etc, I even feel bored when praying at temple, started eating beef (but only once in a blue moon), and the worst is, I have been killing ants that crawl onto my body without blinking an eye. Tsk tsk… thinking about it makes me feel very regretful. And I have become so much less compassionate these days too. Maybe I need to start cultivating again before little girl would want to come. Especially if she is really going to be an emanation for Green Tara, as what Mr Gua Gua insists that she would be.

To be honest, I have really become very lazy in doing self cultivation, compared to the past when I was super onz. Even though tolberone has given very straightforward advice to do chanting and/or copy Medicine Buddha sutra so as to accumulate merits and create the conditions to conceive a child, and I realise that it’s probably good advice, I still feel lazy about doing it. Sigh… not sure why either. I used to be so diligent in all kinds of practice, be it meditating, chanting, prostrating, etc, and now I just don’t feel like doing it.

For now, i’m just listening to Medicine Buddha mantras on Youtube. Yeah, I know that that’s really the most basic, but hopefully listening to it will gradually help me to become more motivated in doing more. Not only for conceiving little girl but during pregnancy as well. I believe that little boy is now so intelligent and relatively well-behaved is cos I chanted om mani padme hung rather diligently when I was pregnant with him, and I attended the mani retreat too. So hopefully by the time little girl comes, I will find the motivation to do some kind of spiritual practice as well.