Sweet Miracles

From a distance

Dear little boy,

It has been a very long time since i last wrote a letter to you. In fact, the reason why i’m writing one now is because I was checking my blog stats and realised that the no. 1 entry wins the 2nd entry by a mile, with 2991 views till date, as compared to the 2nd entry (Schema therapy) which has 794 views. And the no. 1 entry is none other than my letter to you on “10 reasons why I love you”.

I read that entry a no. of times, and i just read it again. I think i understand why that entry has attracted so many readers. Aside from the fact that there seems to be a regular no. of people who google on “reasons why i love you” and similar key words almost everyday, that entry is indeed an excellent one. It is sweet, and touching, and it’s so FULL of love for you.

And it made me realise how things are a little different today. I still love you very much, and that’s the biggest understatement of the century millenium! In fact, Uncle KY saw the way i behaved towards you and commented to me that I obviously had much more affection towards you than towards your Papa (usually big boys are less cute than little ones..).

But things are different today, and I am aware of how little time i have been spending with you for the past few months. First you decided to stay over at Mak Mak and Ye Ye’s house, with the reason that there are “bad people” in our house. Even with that misunderstanding cleared up, you still wanted to stay over, which i fully understand because Ye Ye and Mak Mak, like typical grandparents, showers you with so much love and attention (thank goodness your Gu Jie is around to uphold discipline!). And I was happy to at least spend a good hour of quality time each day bringing you to school, where we would read books or just play on the MRT, and have train races using tree branches on the walk to school.

However even that is reducing in frequency, since Ye Ye will bring you to school directly on Mondays (play ground days when you need to get to school by a certain time so you don’t miss all the fun), and sometimes even on weekends, we have family outings only in the evenings after Mee Mee has finished work.

Why am i even writing a letter about this? Well, it’s like a reminder to myself that motherhood isn’t always a bed of roses, and sometimes, i don’t even feel like being a mother. Shoulds and oughts aside, i guess there is a part of me who cherishes independence, freedom and privacy, and i am afraid that these will be compromised with you around. Maybe it’s true sometimes, and i must say, at other times, it’s probably more illusory, since you are very good at entertaining and playing by yourself, and the only thing that is keeping me from doing what i want to do is my own beliefs about the things i can and cannot do when playing Mother Goose e.g. cannot use the computer, cannot meditate TOO long, cannot sit down and go into a daze which i find myself doing from time to time out of old habit.

I am very happy to see Papa bonding with you in a way that has never been since you were born. You guys are like best pals. You play computer games together, you ride on Papa like a horse, you go to the arcade together, and when it’s bathtime, when you used to go “Mee Mee”, now it’s “Papa”. Papa does have a natural playfulness and zany humour, which I can see you getting drawn to. Far from being jealous, i’m actually both delighted and relieved, cos at least if I choose to be absent, you have Papa to nurture you and shower you with love.

Still, i know that Papa will not replace Mee Mee, and i will never let that happen either. I may not be a typical Mee Mee (if there is such a thing?), but I know that the role I play in your life is super important and cannot be replaced by anyone else around you, simply cos there is no one else in your life who is like me.

And no matter what, i know that our connection still remains strong and I still love you very much. 

I still get amazed and awed on unexpected occasions when you turn around, and I see the light on your handsome face that comes from within.

My heart still melts when i hear you calling me Mee Mee in that sweet endearing musical voice of yours.

And even if I am used to having my own space on the bed now that you’re usually not around, when you do sleep over on Saturday nights, I love the way you hug both arms and legs around me almost throughout the night, like i’m your giant bolster.

I do know that you miss me from time to time, and you sometimes ask Papa where I am. I know that i need to spend more time with you. However, I do not want to do it out of obligation. It should never be a need. It should be a want. Right now it’s not a want, and you should know that it’s got nothing to do with you. There are probably some things in Mee Mee’s past that needs to be let go of, and while I am still in the midst getting it “fixed”, I pray that no matter how far away i seem to be, you will always always feel our soul connection. It might not replace my physical presence, but i sure hope that it counts for something. And I pray that the universe will continue to send you all the nurturance and support for you to continue growing into your beingness, so that you can fulfill what you came here to do.

Usually it’s the happy moments that gets captured down in photos and diary entries. Seldom moments like these, which you hope would get forgetten (when in truth, nothing gets forgotten!) and gets lost in the midst of happier ones. But i would rather you know about it when you’re older, so that if in the case you DO get affected somehow, it’s out in the open for you to resolve, than for you to spend tons and tons of money trying to dig it out. It’s a good thing your Mee Mee is a therapist… i know how to help you save money on therapy in future.

Okay, bad joke, and anyway it’s not meant to be a joke. Oh well, i do hope that you realise that if i didn’t love you, i wouldn’t be writing this in the first place. Your Mee Mee may not be the best mother in the world, but you chose me, and i know you chose me for good reasons. 🙂

I’m still very glad that you chose me. Thank you thank you thank you… for being my precious dearest little boy.

Much love,

Mee Mee