Sweet Miracles

The journey of self healing

I used to be quite hard-hearted. In fact, there used to be this online feedback quiz called Nohari window (opposite of Johari window) where your friends can choose a list of NEGATIVE traits that they feel describe you. I loved this quiz, cos how often is it that you get such honest feedback to your face rite? (though obviously very much fewer friends responded on this one than the Johari window… and to me, those are the REAL friends).

One very close friend descibed me as callous. I was shocked, and i went to look up the word “callous” to make sure it means what i think it means, something akin to heartless. Yup, i was right.

But i was more shocked (in a gd way… ) by my friend’s honesty than the feedback itself cos for a period of time, during sad movies when everyone is crying, i will just be perking up my ears and looking out at the corner of my eyes, kaypoh (nosy) to find out how many pple are crying.

Then after practising Buddhism for some time, i started to tear at movies too, and i was like, “Yeh… i’m normal, i can cry!”

Guess what? I’m an expert now, and have entered the advanced phase of bringing the tears up all by itself.

I mean that in no sarcastic way. After going through The Journey and experiencing the Emotional Journey a no. of times, where you basically allow yourself to tune into the emotions and be brought in deeper and deeper, i have been practising this skill in my own self-healing sessions.

While i don’t exactly force myself to cry (that’s just crazy!), i do tune into significant thoughts and memories and allow myself to sink in fully… and out of nowhere, the tears would rise up, and most of the time, it’s intense. Who would have thought there was so much hidden deep within me. To me, when i experience these unexpected outflow of tears, it’s really like striking lottery. After all, there are pple who spend thousands of dollars in therapy, digging for those buried gunk, cry it all out, and feel better. I can do it FOC.

So don’t think i’m weird if i say that i actually feel a sense of satisfaction during these self-healing sessions. For a “callous” person like me, i have definitely come a long way, such that i can do therapy on myself.

I have learnt to respect the value of tears. After seeing so many clients cry, and experiencing it myself, i have learnt that tears are precious healing fluids, that cleanse the body and soul. When my clients cry and they reach for the tissue to wipe their tears away, i make sure they know that they don’t need to do that and i’m perfectly fine with tapping on their tear-streaming cheeks. Of cos, some of them are still thoughtful enough to wipe them away… but i truly truly love and respect the clients who are able to just allow the tears to flow in an unabashed way. Tears are magic… they are like rain that washes away the grime that has been hidden in the depths of our being for way too long.

I can probably gush more about this (pun intended :P), but i just want to write a little about an interesting healing session i had this morning. There was a blanket of heaviness over my head and heart, and i tapped on that as i tuned into sensations, feelings and thoughts that came into my consciousness. At one point, i had this image of a little girl crouching down at the roadside. Her hair covered her face, and i had the feeling that she’s not me, and her eyes were big and pretty.

I knew to be a “good” client, and did not analyse or doubt this image, and i tapped on the thoughts of not knowing what it means or where it came from. There was also a slight sense of unease, cos it felt a little eerie to me, and i tapped on that as well. As i tapped, i saw this lost little girl growing up and finally becoming a lovely woman a few years older than me. She didn’t look so lost anymore, and more aware of her surroundings. She thanked me for helping her to come back to the present moment, and told me she was going home. That was when the image started to fade.

After that, the heaviness in my heart was gone, leaving perhaps just a tiny nudge behind.

I have no idea who the lady was. A past life me? A me in a different dimension? A spirit attachment? Whatever it was, i was glad it happened the way it did.

After that, i decided to tap on the myopia in my left eye. I have been reading this book “Movement for Self Healing” by Meir Schneider, who was born blind and through massage and physical movement, cured himself. He then started treating other pple for various ailments such as polio, paralysis, progressive muscle dystrophy, etc.

This book inspired me to heal my own physical issues as well, which thankfully, is really only myopia as far as i know. In the midst of tapping, i had a flash of idea, to get a facial mask and cut a hole in it to make an eye patch, so i could use my myopic left eye without contact lens and train up the muscles to see normally again.

This was the interesting part. Normally, i wld hesitate about wearing the eye patch outside. Even if i were to do so, it wld be done in a very self-conscious manner cos that’s normally how i wld be. Even as a teenager, i hated being so tall cos that meant i usually attracted a lot of attention, and unless i was in an especially confident mood, i tried to be as unobtrusive as possible.

But today i wore my eye patch outside without even thinking much about it. Mr Gua Gua was aghast. “What would pple think? You look so weird!” I just smirked at him as i was leaving the house, finding his reaction both funny and slightly annoying.

It was an interesting experience wearing my eye patch outside. Pple did look at me. The young ones stared. And i felt very cool about it. Of cos it took a little getitng used to, and i now have a little more empathy for people who are handicapped or look different in some way.  But really, after the first 5 min, the curious looks and stares are no longer a big deal.

When i reached office, once again i was a little surprised by how cool i was walking in. Just less than half a year ago, i wld be nervous just cos i was wearing a dressy outfit to office and was worried about the attention i wld get cos of that. Yet, here i was wearing a facial mask with a hole over my eyes, and the moment my colleagues saw me, they started laughing and asking questions. I just laughed along and answered them.

Well, i am extremely pleased about it all. Finally, i can say bye to self-consciousness! 🙂

I even wore my eye patch to the chanting session at HS’s place today. Except for HS and someone I knew, no one else asked, and i didn’t bother to explain. Ohhh… today’s chanting sesson was GREAT! The energy was so good, and i could feel a strong vibration in my heart as i chanted om mani padme hung. Here was also when i realised how much i have grown in the past few months. There wasn’t the usual sense of competition/comparison feelings in me… thoughts of “oh, i’m so good at this” and “who’s chanting better than me” were so much reduced. And when they DID arise, i was aware, and most importantly, my response to it was not of judgment, but more of understanding and acceptance. I still have ego, and it’s ok. Just means i have more to work on that’s all.

After the 1 hour chanting, there was about 10 min of meditation, and i was simply blissing out in my own energy. We were asked about our intentions for the session at the start, and mine was to enjoy the energy. I meant energy of the group. But during the meditation, i was actually enjoying MY own energy which i can say was a first for me.

From a corner of my consciousness came a voice, “Aren’t you glad to be you?”

I have never been asked that before. But now that this voice did ask, i gratefully replied, “Yes… yes i am glad to be me.” I was feeling so keenly (autosave ofthis entry just happened at exactly 1:11:11 am!!!) my own energy… and isn’t it weird to be even saying this? It’s like saying a fish was feeling what the water felt like, and the fish has been in the water all his life. But before this very moment, i was often comparing myself with others, or being in the past, or being in the future… so this was the first time i am present of my own energy. And it was PURE BLISS.

Now i know who i am. And now i know how come i can do what i do, and what effect i can have on others. It’s true what all those masters say. There is really no need to be anything else, or do anything else, or achieve anything else. Just being ME is enough. In fact, it’s what i came here to do. Just be me. And that alone is very very powerful.

And yes, it applies to everyone too (of cos!).

I used to get so frustrated by that age-old cliche, “Just be yourself”. I even once saw in a quote book, “The worst advice anyone can give is ‘just be yourself'”.

Actually, it’s the best advice anyone can receive. May take some time to put into practice of cos. Some ppl may take a life time.

But it’s so worth the journey. 🙂

(thank you universe!!!)